i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize