im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
