I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize