a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
