I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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