I didn't shave. On purpose
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You are the jesus of drinking
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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