Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
