my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize