It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
