I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
