Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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