Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
