Umm I'm too high to move.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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