I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
