I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
