It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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