just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
