got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
