I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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