The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
