break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
