life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
