Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
