wanna go halves on a baby?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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