my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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