My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
