i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
