Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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