you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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