Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
