she looked like the before picture.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
