This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
