Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
