What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
