can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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