I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I touched a dick in church today
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
