i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
