I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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