sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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