Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
