My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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