After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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