He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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