11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
