I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
