There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize