Swine flu. Run for my life!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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