my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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