How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
