No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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