we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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