Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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