I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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