i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
