Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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