if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
