I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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