if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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