Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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