I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
