I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
