I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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